Monday, August 4, 2014

Reflections: How having daughters completely changed my life.

So, lets kick this off with a little bit of back story on my life, shall we?  About 8 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).  Basically that means that I have a crazy hormonal dysfunction that causes all kinds of annoying stuff  including making it difficult to conceive a child.  Going through what I did to prepare my body to get pregnant was rough.  BUT eventually all the stars aligned and I was lucky enough to get pregnant.  Once the word got out I was often asked if I wanted a girl or a boy.  My stock answer was "I don't care.  Healthy is the kind of baby I want."  I wasn't trying to be aloof or even rude about it, I honestly felt that way.  As things progressed I started thinking about that question and about all the things I assumed came along with being a mom.  Having a boy didn't scare me as much as the idea of having a girl did.  My reasoning behind that was because at the time, women in general freaked me out.  Making friends was never my forte, unless it was a guy.  In essence I always considered myself  "one of the guys."  Not one of those people who was ever all that girly, even though I've always been into hair and makeup--never said I wasn't complicated...ha.   Making friends with girls/women was tricky because I was shy and most likely scared of all that estrogen.   Maybe it's because I had such a crazy hormonal imbalance and "balanced" girls were a group I envied and never felt like I belonged to.  So to say the least, I was terrified of being a mom to a girl.  How in the world would I mother her?  I couldn't even understand MYSELF let alone any other woman on the planet!  Those thoughts would give me nightmares and cold sweats for months.   The day finally came to find out our baby's sex and even though I wasn't really hoping or wishing for any gender in particular, I was definitely nervous to finally know.  While we watched the ultrasound screen the technician typed "g....i....r...l."  I was so happy and wanted to puke all in the same twisted moment.  Ok, it was final.  <breathe> A girl.  <breathe> I CAN do this. ( And well, if  you want the truth, I didn't really believe that. ) After months of fretting, she was born and the very minute she was placed into my arms the switch was flipped---perhaps by the tiny, slimy arm that smacked me in the face!  I was a mom.  A mom of a girl.  I CAN do this.  I WILL do this.  I will be the BEST I can be.  All for this little person who just gave me a new life.  In that moment things started to evolve for me.  I was never a huge fan of pink, but as soon as I put it on her, I was hooked.  Never cared about sparkles or glitter but OMG...she was ADORABLE and dazzling.  My eyes lit up at ruffles and bows and everything and anything girly and I...was....loving it!  I was awakened into this realm I had avoided for so long and I could no longer understand why I had---it was such a beautiful place to be.

All that frilly stuff aside, I started thinking about how my actions would effect my little girl.  As a woman who struggled daily with weight, I was scared to death of inflicting my body issues onto my little one.  All of a sudden being a woman meant something completely different.  I felt my power and my strength like I never had before.  I just made a human and I'm to take care of her EVERY day for the rest of her life.  I needed to commit myself to being a strong role model for her to follow and look up to.  I could no longer let the words "I'm fat" or "I need to go on a diet"  pass my lips.  She needed a positive image to grow with.  She needed to know that I love myself and that I want to and am taking care of myself.  I started on a normal exercise routine that involved her and cared more about what I put into my body.   As she grew, I started to see how bodies start out and what they are predestined for which is sadly something a lot of us are constantly trying to change throughout most of our lives.  We want what we're not and if we can't get past that we won't ever be happy.  Being in a healthy state of mind means accepting what we were born to be.  Treating our bodies with care is the number one priority.  Not starving ourselves to look like "him", or "her", or that photo shopped image on that magazine at the checkout.  I most certainly have bad days and some times bad months, but what is important is that she sees me pick myself up, dust myself off, and give myself a break.  I continue to strive to be the best version of myself as I continue raising my little wonder, and her sister....the little wonder part 2.  Having these little girls in my life has taught me more about compassion, sensitivity, loyalty, princesses, :) and love than I have ever known.  What I teach to my girls on a daily basis is not just a lesson for them but for me as well.  An internal  and eternal love for ourselves.
The rays of light that are my daughters have reflected onto so much of my life.  The way I decorate our home, the way I take care of myself, and the way I take care of our family---I want it all to feel like one ginormous hug!
To you, my little gifts, thank you for opening my eyes to something more than beautiful.  Something I could never imagine in my wildest dreams.  If you hadn't been girls, I may have never known the wonders that lie under the surface of my very own feminine soul.  You were the key to unlocking the treasures I always wished I had.

Embrace what's made or makes a difference in your life.  The very things that make you want to be a better person and I'll go hug my girls. :)

By the way, I in no way want to discredit the beautiful boys in the world.  I'm sure they add a light not unlike their opposites. :)  This is simply my story.


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